The weight of being hyper-independent can be a heavy burden, one that many of us carry without even realizing it.
Imagine Cianne Jones, who stepped up during a family crisis, spending every day at the hospital, navigating doctors and taking notes. It was a stressful situation, and at one point, her hair started falling out, but she kept going. It was only her therapist who gently suggested that asking for help might be an option. Jones had a large, supportive family who would have helped, but it never occurred to her to ask.
This experience resonates with many of us who identify as hyper-independent. We pride ourselves on our self-reliance, but often, it's driven by a fear of burdening others or being rejected. We tell ourselves we don't need anyone, but is that truly the case?
Dr. Stephen Blumenthal, a clinical psychologist, emphasizes the importance of connections and relationships for our well-being. He states, "We are wired for connection. It's bad for you to exist alone." This hyper-independence can lead to isolation and loneliness, as Blumenthal sees in his clinic daily. Many hyper-independent individuals excel at work but struggle with interpersonal relationships.
For Jones, this hyper-independence was a learned behavior, inspired by her single mother who raised four children while leading a charity. It was a powerful example of self-reliance, but it also led to burnout. Jones shared, "I didn't realize how much I was taking on until I had a panic attack and had to go to the hospital. Even then, I thought I'd take my laptop with me."
This fear of asking for help extends to all areas of life, including romantic relationships. Jones and others like her wonder, "Do I really need anyone?"
Urvashi Lad, who ran businesses and remained single until her 40s, attributes her hyper-independence to a sense of control. But it also kept her from finding love, as she didn't feel safe enough to let someone in. It took therapy and journaling for Lad to feel safe and open up.
In western society, independence and individualism are often celebrated over community and reliance on others. This is especially true for men, as our culture glorifies the lone hero. For women, hustle culture and "girl boss" goals promote a similar individualistic mindset.
Kathleen Saxton, a psychotherapist, suggests that hyper-independence often stems from childhood experiences. Perhaps caregivers were inconsistent or emotionally unavailable, or maybe you were the eldest child and took on care responsibilities early. As an adult, it could develop from a betrayal. Hyper-independence is a coping mechanism, a way to rely on oneself when one can't rely on others.
Saxton's hyper-independent clients often take pride in their self-reliance, but it comes at a cost. They may feel exhausted and resentful, despite offering to do it all. The downside is emotional isolation, as they don't share their vulnerabilities and worry about burdening others. This leads to a belief that their needs won't be met by others, resulting in cynicism and emotional numbness.
Phil Rowe, whose life was typified by hyper-independence, shares his journey. He left school at 14 to work in a factory, eager to earn his own money. It was a way to feel important and worthy of others' efforts. Rowe's hyper-independence affected his ability to ask for help, even when he was hospitalized with depression. It was only in his 50s that he began to feel comfortable asking for help and working collaboratively.
Saxton challenges us to consider what it would be like to state our needs and see if they can be met. Understanding the roots of our hyper-independence is key. A therapist can help, but self-reflection is also powerful. We can explore the wounded parts of ourselves that felt let down and begin to tolerate vulnerability.
Micro-dependence, or asking for help with small tasks, sharing worries, and letting others in, is a way to step out and show our vulnerabilities. Healthy relationships require reciprocity, and by practicing micro-dependence, we can start to heal and receive the love and support we crave.
Lad's journey is a testament to this. By allowing someone to buy her a coffee, she started to shift her hyper-independence, leading to a fulfilling relationship and improved friendships.
Jones is also experimenting with reaching out more, trying a local running club and accepting support from friends. She's skeptical about giving up her hyper-independence entirely, but she's open to the idea.
As we age, we may realize that the role of the lone wolf isn't always desirable. It's a journey of self-discovery and learning to rely on others, a process that can lead to deeper connections and a richer life.
